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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  March 28, 2012 12:00am-1:05am EDT

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>> what a fabulous tale. thank you for watching abc news. we hope you'll watch "good morning america" in the morning. we're always online and stay tuned for jimmy kimmel next. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live." ashton kutcher and justin bieber. >> jimmy: it's like the post erds in my bedroom have come to life. martina navratilova from "dancing with the stars," martina navratilova. and music from the all-american rejects. >> jimmy: let's all a
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>> guillermo: hi, i'm guillermo, jimmy kimmel's security guard on "jimmy kimmel live." when i'm not working, i am a man of leisure. and my favorite place to leis is at applebee's neighborhood grill and bar. applebee's two for 20 menu has been all jazzed up with new items inspired by the flavors of bourbon street. mira, you can have cajun-seasoned bourbon street chicken and shrimp, new blackened chicken penne. or get a favorite like the 7-oz house sirloin. or do like me and order them all! ♪ did you hear something? am i in a applebee's?
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because i feel like i'm on bourbon street! here i come! i'm a people person. let's go talk to a person. have you tried applebee's new flavors of bourbon street entrees? they make you feel like you're on bourbon street. >> we're already on bourbon street. >> guillermo: you're welcome! thank you applebee's. >> dicky: applebee's two for twenty menu. one appetizer, two entrees and all of the flavors you crave for just $20! now featuring the flavors of bourbon street. "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with first cast-off from "dancing with the stars." music from the all-american rejects and ashton kutcher and justin bieber. how's everything ? yes! enjoying your bourbon street chicken & shrimp? slam it! yes! the game's on behind me, right? yup. [ male announcer ] it's all-new and all jazzed up with the flavors of bourbon street.
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enjoy a real fan favorite like our zesty bourbon street chicken & shrimp. or really score with our perfectly seasoned new entree: blackened chicken penne. one appetizer, two entrees, 20 bucks. enjoy the game and a great deal, only at applebee's. now serving half-price appetizers late night.
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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's jimmy kimmel live, tonight, ashton kucher and justin bieber
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and martina navratilova and music from the all american rejects with cleto and the cletones. here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: thank you. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. before we go further, how many of you are here because you're hiding from the cops? [ applause ] >> jimmy: i hate to start things off with bad news, but justin bieber was supposed to be here tonight. he canceled. it was my fault. about an hour ago, i
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accidentally said the word never and he went ballistic and he canceled. apparently he's very serious about this never say never. i'm kidding, of course. i punked you. you should see the looks on your faces. so great. tonight we are all 14-year-old girls because justin bieber and ashton kutcher are here. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's like the posters in my bedroom have come to life. they're here tonight to promote the relaunch of the show punked. i'm concerned they might be planning to punk me tonight. so i've armed my security team guillermo, with pepper spray, tasers, a bare trap, a machine gun -- [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: a grappling hook, just in case anything starts to
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develop. don't hesitate to use that stuff. >> guillermo: all right, jimmy upon. >> jimmy: are you the real guillermo? >> guillermo: yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: on to a more serious topic, you know the highest court in the land weighed in on the decision that could affect all of us. today martina navratilova was voted off "dancing with the stars." there she is. i believe she's dancing, although it's kind of hard to tell. it was the first elimination of the season and you could cut the attention with a bedazzled unitard. martina and her partner, tony dovolani, will be here. every week i get a depressed celebrity dancer on my couch. i feel like a mix between dr. drew and richard simmons. every morning they do a tease where they'll show you live video of a celebrity waiting to be interviewed. then to get you interested in
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what they're going to talk about, the guest has to stare into the camera and smile while the hosts talk from another room. i've been in this position before and it's awkward. this morning their guest was christie brinkley and it was more awkward than usual. >> that's christie brinkley about to return to chicago. we'll tell us all about that. also we'll get the latest. she and her ex-husband aren't getting along all that well. when matt lauer asks you on the date, you say yes or you pay the price. this is an interesting sign of the times, for the first time in history, americans will watch more movies on line than they will on physical media like dvd. it's estimated 2.4 billion will be watched the old-fashioned
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way. in ten years people will be looking back on us to rent movies at blockbuster like we look back at people washing their clothes on a river rock. speaking of pornography, this is disturbing. nadia sul man who is known to comic book fans as the octomom has posed topless for a british magazine. they're calling it the racy photo spread no one was demanding to see. the magazine is called closer. this is one of the pictures. it looks like she's naked, but she's wearing flesh-colored bottoms. you should view these photos the way you view an eclipse. suleman was reported bee paid $10,000 for the photo spread, which she said she needed to support her children. it turns out having eight kids implanted on her on purpose
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wasn't as great an idea as it was at the time. newt gingrich is hoping to cut into his campaign debt by charging people $50 to take a photo with him. just imagine, a once in a lifetime opportunity to get a personal picture with a man who will never be the president of the united states. [cheers and applause ] i would pay the 50 bucks if he agreed to wear a prom dress in the photo. for $50, you get a nice formal portrait. for a hundred dollars he'll heat pellets out of your hand like a llama. and for $200, he will plank you. he will get right on -- that's how flat stanley was born. newt's pal herman cain had a busy weekend. he spoke at a tea party rally on saturday. it was funny. >> if you measure the
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aerodynamic parameters of the obama bee, those flapy wings, and fat body, and measure all of those eps lons and deltas and put them into the equations of motion and you run those equation emotions, the computer comes back and says, the sucker can't fly. >> jimmy: what is a bumblebee? let's hear more of that if we could. >> there's only one reason that the bumblebee flies. the bumblebee believes he can fly. >> jimmy: he's one crazy hairstyle away from being don king. he really is. [ applause ] also there's a new political advertisement. most politicians stop running campaign ads when they've been
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out for six months, but not herman cain. he wants to revamp the u.s. tax code. why bother to tell the story when you can show it? >> this is small business. this is small business under the current tax code. >> pull! >> any questions? >> jimmy: i have a question. why is j.j. abrams shooting a rabbit while you stand on a mountain? remind me not to invite herman cain over for easter. the last video he pretended to kill a gold fish. it's all part of his fix the economy or i'll kill your pets campaign. he put out another one today, featuring a beloved family pet. at least in this one, the animal lives. >> this dog represents
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government spending. the ladies represent you, the average taxpayer. you're getting humped by the dog. >> if you need a real human to hump you, i'm available. >> jimmy: gont forget to spa and neuter your government. here's another good animal video. this is a guy walking through what appears to be a park, probably on his way to a meeting. he's dressed up in a suit. suddenly he's frond by a goose. an angry goose. not a silly goose. instead of running, which is what i would do, he decides to have a duel with the goose. really teach it a lesson never to bother a human being again. but the goose --
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: now it's a real slug fest. he looks like he's about to get out, but no, no, no, the goose is determined to win this one. now he decides it would be best probably to just get away. i don't know who that woman is, but she joins him. and one last run at the guy. [ laughter ] i think the goose was in on it with the people laughing making the videotape. they should hire that goose to work on punk'd. i learned about a new trend today. i wanted to know what you think about it. it's an exercise program. started in massachusetts. it's called broga. have you heard of this? it's a form of vogyoga for men. bro and yoga. my guess is they feed their
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babies at starbucks. when i heard the word broga, i threw up and lost four pounds. i'm tired of the bro stuff, brog a bromance, i don't like. bro back mountain. we get it. men like other men. let's all agree not to ever use the word bro again unless we get tazed. [cheers and applause ] are any of you familiar with the sport of cricket? it's kind of like baseball, but you dress like a nurse and instead of a bat you use an oar. keep your eye on the ball here, all of them. this happened at a match in australia. >> oh, that's hurt. that's really hurt. look at this in slow motion.
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>> jimmy: you know what, maybe it's time to start making cups out of metal. i like a little bit more protection than you get from a souvenir collectible soda cup. have you seen the movie "the hunger games"? it's a very popular game? the final numbers are still being calculated but they're estimating it made 1.6 jillion dollars this weekend. we wanted to come up with our own version of "the hunger games." unfortunately the lawyers have a problem with us asking our younger staff members to kill each other for food. so we came up with another plan. this is one of our security guards. her name is adlena. she guards the area outside my office. by guards, i mean sits there with a confused look on her face.
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she protects me as much as a house plant would. over the years, we've learned something about adlena. she loves sweets, cake. she loves it. if there's a birthday, she's right there singing, ready for the cake. this afternoon we came up with a hunger games specifically for adlena. around lunch time, my cousin sal put a piece of cake in a box with a little hole in it. we sealed the box shut, and he gave it to adlena. keep in mind, she doesn't know the cameras are on her. this is pretty much how she basbafs all the time. >> how are things? >> things are great. >> what's new? >> well, my cat was in the hospital. and he was fighting for his life. >> i don't really care about this. hey, you like cake? >> yeah, i do. >> hold on one second. here is the cake. i have no use for it.
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if you could get to it, you can have it. all right? it's all yours. you're going to need this. a fork. let the hunger games begin. good luck. >> jimmy: all right. first she has to find the hole. she hasn't found it yet. maybe another revolution. you can't lift the top off. all right, maybe the hole will be the only point of entry. but the fork is not quite long enough. all right, some work is being done here. some items are being placed on
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the wall. >> jimmy: oh, look, it's tape and a stick. perfect. [ laughter ] all right. pretty simple here, just go ahead and use the stick. >> yes! >> jimmy: pry the thing loose, and now she almost has cake. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. that's a pre-sugar rush. okay. she gets that in.
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and that's the old bo jackson. she is determined, though. she's going to get to that cake. even if it means sucking it all right out of the box. there you go, we have a winner! from "dancing with the stars," martina navratilova and her partner, tony dovolani is here. music tonight from the all mern rejects and we'll be right back with ashton kutcher and justin bieber. so stick around. today, we stand against the tyranny of meager travel cards.
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battle speech right? may i? capital one is issuing a venture double miles challenge. show us how much you spent last year and we'll give you 2 miles for every dollar spent on your travel reward card. up to 100,000 miles! hawaii, here we come. claim your miles at capitalone.com today! what's in your wallet? can you play games on that? not on the runway. no. frank's redhot sauce. i put that ( bleep ) on everything. frank's redhot sweet chili. sweet with a mild kick.
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oh. let's go. from the crack, off the backboard. [ laughs ] dad! [ laughs ] whoo! oh! you're up! oh! oh! so close! now where were we? ok, this one's good for two. score! [ male announcer ] share what you love with who you love. kellogg's frosted flakes. they're gr-r-eat!
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>> jimmy: >> jimmy: tonight on the program, the first casualties from season 14 of "dancing with the stars." and then, with music from their brand new album, called "kids in the street," the all american rejects from the bud light outdoor stage. tomorrow night we'll be joined by author adam carolla. from the oklahoma city thunder, kevin durant. and have music from white rabbits. and on thursday, carson daly, kristen schaal, and music from esperanza spalding. >> jimmy: our first two guests' myriad accomplishments span many forms of media. together, their twitter followers make up three-quarters of the world's population. and now, they've joined forces to terrorize unsuspecting celebrities with the return of "punk'd," premiering this friday
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on mtv. please say hello to ashton kutcher and justin bieber. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how you doing? good to see you. this is some sort of big brother program or ashton, you've taken on. >> he's taken me on. >> jimmy: is it like the sorser's apprentice where he's stolen your magic broom? >> he's trying to steal my swag, i swear. >>. >> jimmy: can you steal someone's swag? >> i don't think -- >> dicky: he's stealing my
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swagger. here's the thing. i've been living on this internet service for like a year. since november. i started living on this service called air b and b, you can rent a room in a house, it's like traveling around the world on the service. i knew i had to come back to do two and a half men in january. so i found this amazing house in l.a. that was on air b and b, and i booked this house to stay in for three months. so i was away. i booked the house. it was all done. all of a sudden my assistant tells me there's somebody coming to look at the house to maybe buy it. i get a text from this guy and he's in my house, like checking it out, trying to buy my house. he's like yo, i'm in your house right now. i'm like what are you, trying to take my house out from under me. and then he's like don't pay anymore than 9-5 for it. >> i'm giving him business
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advice. >> jimmy: so is he your landlord now? are you homeless? >> he -- hi to buy the house. i thought hees was going to buy it out from under me. >> jimmy: you play hard ball bieber, you really do. business is business. >> he forced me to buy a house. [ applause ] >> i'm just going to live on the service for the rest of the year. i was going to do that, but then he made me buy the house. >> jimmy: i hope you're proud of yourself, you come into our country, a canadian, you steal up all the homes. why don't you just live together and share the home? >> he's not ready for that. >> i could be almost ready. you could like train me. >> 21 is the threshold. >> we'll wait a couple years.
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>> jimmy: are you easing into it? do you smoke cigarettes? >> not yet. >> jimmy: are you taking advantage of the fact that you're 18 now? >> i mean, yeah, a little bit. my mom, i don't have to text my mom and be like, i'm coming home right now. i can just be like, i just don't have to text her. then she's like, where are you? i legally don't have to tell you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you have the law on your side. you can probably buy her house and have her thrown out too. >> technically. >> jimmy: wow, so that's something. did you have to buy justin an 18th birthday gift? >> well the gift is the fact that we're doing the show together. >> jimmy: that is the gift. >> but it's another thing with stealing my swagger. his gift that he got -- >> i didn't steal your swagger on purpose. >> you got the car, it's my car.
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it's getting a little single white female. >> it's the same car or he took yours? >> he didn't take mine, but it's the exact same car. >> it wasn't my idea. >> i feel awkward about it. >> jimmy: do you see ashton as a role model? [ laughter ] >> no, no. just kidding. definitely for like this punk'd thing we're doing, he's the master. so i'm looking up to him as far as that. >> jimmy: were you old enough to watch this show when it was on the first time around? >> i was like three or four. >> jimmy: something like that. >> wow. [cheers and applause ] >> i need a walker now. >> jimmy: the young prince and taking over. and you were a fan of the show? >> yeah. my whole life i've always been a prankster and always loved the show. so i thought -- >> jimmy: how'd you guys meet?
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how'd you broach the subject to start with? >> i was an early adopter of this thing called twitter. >> jimmy: i'm familiar with that. it's popular now. >> so i was on this thing, it was like three years ago. i started seeing his name pop up, there's like a trend now. early on, they didn't suppress anything. so it was actually truly what people were talking about. and i started to see justin bieber's name keep popping up. and i was like, watching it, watching this trend just keep pushing and pushing and pushing. i'm like who's this kid? so i started digging through the threads, and i started seeing some of the stuff that he was posting on youtube. and the music. it was like, wow, this kid's really, really good. i thought the music was great, i loved the way he carried himself. then there was this pop sensation that started to happen, but my producing partner
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met with justin early on when he got to l.a. >>. >> jimmy: set up a date like match doc. >> he told me this kid came in, his name is justin bieber. i'm like if that kid wants to do the show and you feel like he can pull it off, bring him in. then we sat down to talk about it. he was telling me ba pranks he was pulling on his crew and i was really impressed with some of the stuff he was pulling off. >> jimmy: now you're living in a cardboard box? [ laughter ] you pulled the ultimate prank, you really have. we're going to break here and come back and talk about punk'd and then we'll show something that you guys did to taylor swift that is very funny. justin bieber and ashton kutcher, everybody, we'll be right back. doers. here's to more saturdays in the sun. and budgets better spent.
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>> jimmy: ashton kutcher and justin bieber and martina navratilova and all american rejects are on the way. you are the executive producer of "punk'd," and you are the first of some rotating celebrity hosts? >> yes, i am the first host. >> jimmy: and you pulled a prank on your friend taylor swift. tell us about the idea there. >> she's such a sweet girl. so i wanted to like make her cry.
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[ laughter ] i wanted to think of something that would really do that. she's so sensitive. like i knew that if she thought she broke up a wedding, that she would be -- so basically she thought she was putting on fireworks they got in japan and like these illegal fireworks and i was like they're awesome, amazing. she lit them up and it blue up a boat that had a wedding on it. and the whole thing blew up. she was flipping out. she was like, this is not okay. all of a sudden the bride's swimming into the shore, and it's like crazy. >> jimmy: we have a clip here. this is from "punk'd." let's take a look. >> why are you standing so far back? >> because people are going to get their faces blown off. there we go. that was dope. >> that thing almost blew my face off. >> you go. >> i don't want to. >> come on! just press it.
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right here. oh, [ bleep ]. >> hold up, what is that? that could have been from that, though. >> no there's seriously for real a fire. >> jimmy: that is a solid prank. now that you're punking people do you fear people are going to punk and you do things? [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you can sit there. why don't you go ahead and -- what? guillermo.
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[cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: take him off. taz him if you have to. >> ouch, ouch! [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you guys did that? >> i had nothing to do with that. >> jimmy: for real? guillermo, what are you guys doing? you didn't do nothing. >> jimmy: i told you guys, if you're getting accosted by a half nude man. >> jimmy: in fairness to guillermo, he's pretty drunk right now. >> jimmy: you guys did do that, didn't you? >> we might have had something to do with that. >> jimmy: is there something terrible going to happen? is a giant bird going to crap on my head? this is why you guys can't be trusted now.
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i hope you realize -- >> that's why i felt like i couldn't host anymore. i was losing friends. nobody wanted to hang out. it was starting to get really bad. then we sort of modelled this season after what lorne michaels does on snl, every week there's a new host. so like somebody's in there for a week and they do their thing, they're out and there's a new host. >> jimmy: is it a secret? >> all will be revealed. >> jimmy: was the guy in the underpants one of the hosts? >> not so much. >> jimmy: all right. it will be a surprise. >> we have an incredible line p line-up, miley sir russ, bam margeera. what's great about it, with social media, you can't stay under cover very long anymore because people know immediately. so we had to figure out a way to relaunch the show to keep it alive. >> jimmy: speaking of social
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media, i saw on twitter that you're going into space. is that true? >> i'm going to outer space. i'm taking a rocket. >> jimmy: on that richard branson thing. >> the galactic thing. >> jimmy: is that something you've always wanted to do? >> not so much. i was with a buddy. we had a couple beers. some guy was selling trips to space, i was like, yeah. >> jimmy: justin, will you go to space because ashton is going to space? >> it's a great time to go in space. >> jimmy: great punk for him to switch his oxygen with helium. think how funny his voice would sound. >> i'm thinking about experiments i could pull in space. i was actually thinking, not specifically about pulling this experiment off. i was like, what would sex in space be like? like how would you gain leverage? you're floating in air.
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how would you pull that off? it probably won't happen on this trip. >> jimmy: i bet captain kirk would answer that for you. it's great to see you guys. congratulations on the show. looks like a lot of fun. >> wait a second. i heard his entire album, and it's unbelievable. his entire album is unbelievable. i have to say, it's unbelievable. >> jimmy: it's not just unbelievable. it's unbeliebablb. we'll be back with martina navratilova and tony dovolani. [ male announcer ] there's always something new on applebee's 2 for $20 menu. over there, that's mike. we call him the comeback kid.
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>> jimmy: in her 31-year tennis career, our next guest won multiple grand slam titles on grass, clay, and hard courts. but tonight, we learned that the shiny parquet floor of the celebrity ballroom is the most challenging of all. she's the first contestant eliminated from this new season of "dancing with the stars." along with her dance partner, tony dovolani, please welcome tennis great martina navratilova. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i know. you lost your place a little last night. >> i could do it in my sleep, but i couldn't do it on the
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dance floor. >> jimmy: did you do it intentionally so you could meet justin bieber? >> i knew eventually i would get on the show. >> jimmy: it's great to have you here. i have to say, no offense, tony, but with all eye mean you must have a whole house full of great trophies and wimbledon and all this. does it matter to you that much? did that mirror ball rank among any of those? >> it wasn't about the ball. it was about staying on as long as possible and doing my best. it was a challenge and i've faced a lot of challenge. and i try to encourage people to do more with their lives and get out of their comfort zone. most of all, i really enjoyed my time with tony because he's a great teacher. >> jimmy: i heard you blamed tony for your loss. >> he couldn't make my legs move the right way. >> i was trying to with laser beams, but it didn't work. >> jimmy: not only to have one
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of the greatest athletes in the history of the sports, but also she's from check slaf vaccia. >> more importantly, she has such an incredible heart. i'm sad i couldn't take her further for people to get to know her. >> jimmy: that's nice. do you think if you were teaching tony tennis in the same amount of time, what level would you be able to get him to? >> i know he would improve greatly. he's such an amazing athlete. we werher one time. i was watching but i told him one thing he did immediately. >> jimmy: you do tennis with the stars and tony will be there. >> i would be up for the challenge. >> jimmy: that would not be a bad idea. you had some of your contemporaries, your rivals -- you have so many because you played for such a long time.
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but jimmy connors was there. >> and chris evert came too. >> jimmy: jimmy connors may have screwed you up, though. i don't know if you saw him telling the audience. let's show the clip here, and you can see what connors says. there you are after your performance. there's jimmy connors. he gives you a zero one by accident. why is jimmy giving you a one? >> he was trying to do a ten, but he's left-handed. >> jimmy: you've done this now. you got this out of the way. it was a fear. you said it was the first time you wore a dress. >> in about 20 years. >> jimmy: did you like it? >> i did better with the fox trot which should have been more awkward. the jif was more athletic. but the first step, it's so fast. it messed me up. >> jimmy: do you think it will be another 20 years? >> professional engagements,
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maybe. >> jimmy: tony will you wear a dress anytime soon? >> if guillermo is involved, probably. >> jimmy: i'm sorry to say, we have a tradition here at the show. let's go outside to the ceremonial burning of the capezi capezios. tonight, you were eliminated from "dancing with the stars." and now your shoes must pay the price. [cheers and applause ] america has spoken, and your dance card has been punched. >> jimmy: i'm sorry it ended so quickly. what are you going to do? >> nothing ventured, nothing gained. >> jimmy: martina navratilova, everyone, tony dovolani from "dancing with the stars." we'll be right back with the all american rejects. ♪
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>> jimmy: this is their brand new cd, called kids in the street. here with the song beekeeper's daughter, the all american rejects. ♪ la la la la da i've been going a thousand ways ♪ ♪ choked a hundred hearts in half as many days
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oh no i think so ♪ ♪ and i get so lost inside this city you ugly girls all look so pretty ♪ ♪ it's true what am i supposed to do but i still got you but wait ♪ ♪ look at your window what do you see you don't see me ♪ ♪ you're a pretty little flower i'm a busy little bee ♪ ♪ honey that's all you need to see i could take you for an hour but then im gonna leave ♪ ♪ honey i know you'll wait for me la da da da da ♪ ♪ you only look but you understand that we're too young to start making plans ♪ ♪ agreed monogamy's not a part of me
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and i know i'm lyin' and it's just a sin ♪ ♪ but i swear to you i'm gonna do it again i'm not making any friends just wanted you to wait ♪ ♪ there out your window what do you see you don't see me ♪ ♪ you're a pretty little flower but i'm a busy little bee ♪ ♪ honey that's all you need to see i could take you for an hour baby then i'm gonna leave ♪ ♪ honey i know you'll wait for me la da da da da la da da da da ♪ ♪ pulled out your picture the other day oh isn't that sweet ♪ ♪ it didn't have
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that much to say cause it wasn't even me cause i know you said ♪ ♪ i'm better off on my own and i'm better off dead i just want you there to wait ♪ ♪ there out your window what do you see you don't see me ♪ c'mon c'mon c'mon ♪ ♪ pretty little flower i'm a busy little bee honey that's all you need to see ♪ ♪ la da da da da i could take you for an hour maybe two or maybe three ♪ ♪ honey i know you'll wait for me la da da da da la da da da da ♪

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